July 11, 2019 — People grieve a lost friendship or relationship in much the identical way they grieve the death of an in depth member of the family or friend — and regardless of what you're grieving, other people may expect you to bounce back long before you're ready, based on a brand new survey from WebMD.WebMD's “Grief: Beyond the 5 Stages” survey sought to grasp how people grieve and overcome various life events. It was conducted between May 16 and 19, 2019, by 1,084 U.S. respondents. Of these, 780 reported grieving a life event previously 3 years.”Many of us have the misconception that there is a right way to grieve, and most people think they're doing it wrong,” says Donna Schuurman, a family therapist and senior director of advocacy and education on the Dougy Center, a nonprofit in Portland, Oregon, that helps people address the death of a loved one. “We live in a society that expects us to get over it and move on.”The “five phases” within the title of the survey confer with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ groundbreaking study on grief, which she presented in her 1969 book: About death and dyingIn it, she describes five stages that grieving people undergo on their road to recovery: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. But the survey showed that grief will not be a “one-size-fits-all experience” – neither when it comes to what people grieve over nor how they experience it.What are the causes of grief?
Although we may only consider death after we grieve, based on those surveyed, many other events also cause a deep sense of loss:
- Almost a 3rd (31%) were seriously in poor health themselves or a member of the family.
- About one other third (32%) had experienced the death of a member of the family or close friend, and almost as many were grieving the lack of a friendship or relationship (29%).
- Twenty percent recovered from the death of a pet.
- A smaller proportion mourned, amongst other things, a divorce or the lack of a job, home or possessions.
“It is surprising that we are not more aware of the different aspects of grief,” says Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed clinical counselor, grief therapist and creator of Fear: The missing phase of grief“If we don't do that, people feel like they're not allowed to grieve. That doesn't do their recovery any favors.”
The length of intense grief varied amongst survey respondents depending on what people had lost. Nearly half of all respondents (48%) reported their strongest feelings subsided inside the first 6 months, and two-thirds (67%) had recovered inside a 12 months. Pet owners were most definitely to recuperate quickly. 66% of those that had lost a pet reported their intense grief lasted lower than 6 months, compared with 48% of those that had lost an in depth member of the family or friend to death and 45% who were grieving the lack of a friendship/relationship.
Expectations vs. Reality
Grieving is a really personal process, but it will probably be difficult to disregard the expectations of others – and other people often expect grieving people to return to their normal lives before they’re ready.
“You're in this wilderness, out of balance, feeling stuck, and people aren't coming your way,” says Schuurman. “We live in a society that expects us to get over it and move on. 'It's been so long, are you dating anyone?'”
More than half of all participants (53%) said that they’d met people whose compassion looked as if it would have an expiration date. Of this subgroup:
- 58% of those under stress said they were expected to recuperate inside the first three months, as did 81% of those grieving the lack of a pet and 75% of those that had lost a friendship or passed through a breakup.
- Even amongst those that grieved the death of an in depth relative or friend, most (91%) felt they might move on inside a 12 months.
“It should not surprise us that people grieve longer than we expect,” says Smith. “Clinical texts say 6 months, but I see it taking 5 years when it comes to the loss of a spouse, child or parent.”
Psychological and physical effects of grief
Almost all (88%) experienced some type of emotional symptoms during grief and two-thirds (68%) had physical symptoms.
Just as people took different amounts of time to recover from their grief, the symptoms they reported also varied. Sadness (76%) and depression (43%) were the 2 predominant feelings they reported, while fatigue (59%) and lack of appetite (48%) affected most individuals physically. But again, symptoms varied depending on the loss:
- The death – either of an in depth relative or friend (84%) or a pet (81%) – was more more likely to trigger grief.
- Those who had lost a friendship or romantic relationship were more more likely to experience depression (53%) and anger outbursts (48%).
- Almost half of those grieving a serious illness (47%) reported sleep disturbances, significantly greater than in the subsequent largest group of people that had almost experienced a death (33%).
It is comprehensible that grief can result in such different experiences, says Schuurman.
“Life is a process of accumulating losses. How we process or suppress these losses – of everything: jobs, friendships, relationships, health, things that are important to us – becomes patterns,” she says. “It shapes how we see the world, who we become, how we care for others.”
The lingering pain of lost friendships and relationships
Losing a friendship or going through a breakup can appear to bring unique challenges. Relationships end for classy reasons, and social media makes it easy to see how your friend has moved on without you.
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Lost friendship… Those who mourned lost relationships had probably the most intense grief, with 20% reporting that their grief had lasted greater than a 12 months.
- Emotionally, this group suffered from depression (53%) and anger (48%) more often than some other group.
- In addition, changes in appetite (54%) and abdominal pain (41%) occurred more steadily.
- And after the loss, they were more more likely to struggle with social consequences resembling lack of trust or isolation (53%), bitterness (41%) and self-blame (36%).
- Sixty percent of respondents said they felt others expected them to recover from their grief, and the bulk (75%) felt they’d up to 3 months to recover from it.
“I think it's because there's not the same finality. When you lose a friendship, the person is still out there. It can be hard to come to terms with the idea that you'll never talk to them again,” Smith says. “Plus, the grief isn't perceived as something you don't process. And if you don't process it, it lingers longer.”
Coping mechanisms, good and bad
In response to the life-changing event, most participants said they’d developed a technique to take care of their grief – only 14% said otherwise. The commonest tactic: spending more time with family and friends. 44% of all participants turned to other people for help.
But here too, the image changes if you have a look at the person kinds of damage:
- After the death of a loved one, people spend more time with others (53%). They are also the group most definitely to show to religion or spiritual practices (31%).
- Both those battling a serious illness (50%) and those that have lost a relationship (58%) found music to be a comfort.
- People who’ve lost a pet are the least more likely to seek help, with 21% saying they’re coping on their very own. Among those that have coping mechanisms, 37% usually tend to give attention to work to recover from the loss.
“When you're grieving the death of someone, it's helpful to connect with others who are either grieving themselves or can support you,” Smith says. “But the grief of losing a friendship is a grief that many people don't understand, so people tend to turn to self-soothing exercises like music.”
However, not all coping mechanisms were positive. Half of all participants (51%) showed behavior that might be harmful.
“When we look at all the micro-losses we experience as humans, from childhood through life, it's no understatement to say that untreated loss is directly responsible for many of the problems we get into,” says Schuurman. “We turn to things like substance abuse, rushing into relationships that we know aren't healthy, and other numbing behaviors.”
- Many people modified their weight-reduction plan: 38% ate an excessive amount of, 23% ate too little. 47% of participants were affected by isolation.
- Other common negative behaviors include excessive alcohol consumption (26%) and excessive spending (23%).
- People battling a serious illness are most definitely to exhibit negative behavior (67%).
- Among those grieving the lack of a friendship, self-medication and excessive eating or drinking were probably the most common activities (42% each).
Effective ways to assist someone who’s grieving
When someone you realize is grieving, it will probably be difficult to seek out the appropriate words to say – and the way those words can be received. Not surprisingly, participants said some approaches are more helpful than others. However, at best, only half would say that any of those approaches are helpful.
- Most participants (76%) said someone tried to cheer them up – and normally (54%) it worked. However, many others (36%) said it was ineffective.
- Sharing one's own experience of loss had the same effect: 74% said someone had done this and 53% felt higher afterward. However, 37% said it was ineffective.
The survey also revealed some approaches that usually do more harm than good.
- The statement “It could be worse” made people feel worse almost thrice as more likely to help (46% versus 16%).
- Advising those grieving to maneuver on or seek closure had the same effect: 42% said it made the situation worse and 16% said it made it higher.
- Unsolicited advice also tended to make the situation worse: 33% said it was harmful and 19% said it was helpful.
“I often hear that the people who were most helpful were the ones who just sat with me and didn't want me to tell them how to help,” Schuurman says. “They just came and mowed the lawn and brought coffee. And they didn't give any advice on how to get over it.”