Heritage Railway volunteers show how deep friendships could be made without discussing emotions

“Let’s face it, we’re not just emotional,” Brian told me with a smile as he spoke to other volunteers at a heritage steam railway in northern England. They are discussing a preferred TV revival show. Alan Grimes, mocking the presenter: “He’s always swinging the microphone in their faces, like, ‘How do you feel?’ ‘Does it make you sad?’ You can almost see the joy when people actually cry! “

This satire of emotional revelation captures something vital concerning the values ​​of a bunch of men I’ve spent years working with.

In public discourse and mental health campaigns, Emotional expression Often seen necessary Mental health. It weighs particularly heavily on discussions of older men. Research routinely links male emotional “repression” to “traditional” and even “toxic” forms. Masculinitybeing unable to speak about feelings Stay away from people And isolation from self.

My research shows that this narrative misses how the connection actually works. To research this topic, I spent greater than 4 years working with volunteers at a heritage railway, observing their day by day interactions, and talking to them about their friendships.

The volunteers—mostly retired men from the previous industrial towns of northeast England—clearly reject the trendy emphasis on emotional disclosure. Through railway restoration work, they’re preserving a sort of friendship that’s increasingly rare elsewhere—characterised by an “old-fashioned” excess, where discussion of emotions isn’t expected or required.

Instead of dismissing their approach as “coercive,” I argue In a future paper That we want to understand how people can develop intimate and caring relationships without naming emotions.

Feeling without emotion

Among the boys I knew, I used to be initially struck by their lack of talking about their personal lives. Even when faced with difficult situations, including health problems and bereavement, they rarely talked about their feelings. Instead, they talked concerning the common interests in railways, and the work that they had engaged in. It took me an extended time to comprehend that this didn’t reflect a scarcity of care.

By working together on restoration projects they create what they call “camaraderie,” a type of friendship that’s grounded in Working togetherquite than a mirrored image of inner feelings, has turn out to be an increasing expectation Modern intimacy.

Maintenance and repair of railway infrastructure involves physically demanding manual labour. They work closely together for long periods of time.

As we struggled with the installation of a very stubborn toilet seat in a cramped coach cubicle, one volunteer observed in a bantering tone that’s typical: “There’s more than one way to kill a pig and stuff its ass with butter!” He later explained: “If a job is too difficult, there’s an easier way.” Friendships are built through the means of facing and overcoming these practical problems. Shared tasks create a way of common purpose.

Over the many years, this creates a certain type of intimacy. Intimacy is caused by shared activities and interests, not personal disclosure.

Surprisingly, the more intimate these relationships are, the harsher the “banter” could be. And the closer their friendship, the more comfortable they feel sharing silence. It looks like a no brainer, but in actual fact the other is true.

Connecting silently

Ron was a former merchant navy employee in his 70s. A daily volunteer for greater than a decade, concern among the many group grew when he stopped showing up. When he finally returned several weeks later, he was apparently struggling to breathe and walk. No one directly asked what was incorrect. Instead, they offered tea and cracked jokes.

After he left, the discussion made it clear that this was intentional. His friends watched him fastidiously and were apprehensive. Their silence was a deliberate response to his own: a way of giving him the “normality” he wanted.

I observed these communication patterns in lots of other situations. What appears to be emotional dissonance is definitely an intentional ethic of care. These men are unable to debate emotions. But often they do not decide to see these silences as a strategy to respect the autonomy and privacy of others. In this respect, my research is predicated on ethnographic accounts, e.g Firefighters And Male hospital porters It draws attention to types of intimacy and communication that don’t rely upon the discussion of private feelings and emotions.

Although railroad men rarely discuss feelings, they’re understood through other means. The way someone looks, or the way in which they act can tell. In response, they show care through actions: checking in with phone calls, offering practical help, creating space for quiet companionship without pressure—”just being there,” as they often say.

Mental health services and support measures rapidly Target men with messages about “to open”. In fact, my research doesn’t suggest that emotional expression is incorrect or unhelpful. However, either/or framings, which view connections versus coercion, miss vital elements of the various ways that folks maintain closeness and support.

My work with railway enthusiasts shows that without the specific communication of emotions, it is feasible to develop meaningful support networks that provide real intimacy and connection. Communication and caring take many forms. For some, the shared silence between friends is not the absence of feeling, it’s just a special way of sharing it.